a little over a month

It’s been over a month since I’ve blogged. I have a list of things in my “blog idea” journal that I am dying to talk about, but none of them have been able to capture my true emotions and feelings of what is going on in my life right now. I’ve struggled to put down in words what exactly is happening. It’s a little scary. Every day I open up my wordpress.com tab, and every day I go to “add new post”, and every day I stare at the screen for more than I should trying to capture into writing what is going on in my life. Here’s what’s going on:
1. I’m getting married in a little over a month.
2. I’m moving across this country to New Mexico right after.
3. I’m starting school again after being out of the game since May 2012 (I know it’s not a long time, but it feels like forever).

All of this is literally happening at the same exact time, and it’s scary. And terrifying. And causes me a lot of anxiety. I think more than anything, a lot of self-doubt creeps into me, and I begin to second guess my capability, even though I know well that I can handle all of this. In my head I know this, but being the emotionally driven individual I am, I let them control me.

Can I take care of someone else? Will my Indian food even taste good?
How am I going to handle another region of the States? I’ve NEVER lived outside of the South (give or take the 3-4 years we lived in Ohio when I was 2). What if they make fun of me for saying “y’all?
Do I remember how to study? What if I fail tests?

If you take a step back, and really examine these questions, they are all driven by fear. And fear is an emotion. I have literally let my fears determine who I am these past few weeks, despite knowing that I am more than capable of handling all of this.

I have never minded a challenge. I work great under stress. I have self-confidence. These are things that I know. So, why let things that that are run by the unknown dictate how I react to certain situations, treat other people, take care of the things that need to get done?

Change is hard, and transition is difficult. Especially after you’ve been accustomed to the same thing for so long. But does that give me an excuse to do all the things that I probably shouldn’t have? Not at all. Excuses are never good, and they should never be a cop-out to what life is giving you. All of this is happening to me, because in some way, shape, or form I have asked for it. And if I asked for it, I know I can handle it. So why freak out?

It’s one month away from being my 1-year anniversary of my India trip. I settled into a routine, that unfortunately has created attachments for me, that I now am scared to give up. All of these new adventures and experiences could not come at a better time. It’s all about adjustment and adapting. I’ve done it before, and I know I can do it again. So instead of being scared and terrified and anxiety-ridden, I need to channel that into the positive. Excitement, anxiousness, readiness.

As I look back to this past month, and everything that has happened, I’m a little embarrassed at the way I’ve handled everything. But, alas, such is life. You learn from your mistakes, and you move on taking the new lessons and applying them into your future.

Here’s to the month and a half I have left in my beautiful hometown of Memphis, and here’s to the new memories I’ll be creating in my new home of Albuquerque. This is life y’all. You can either sit on the banks and mope and be upset, or you can jump in and see where the current takes you. I happily am choosing the latter.

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